Where to start....I just need to vent and thought this might be an ok venue to do so. I am not looking for pity or for 'you are such a great person" comments...Just need to vent.
The other day my neice who had neve met me called me "Chubby". I have never really cared about what others thought of me and have pretty much always had a good self image. I was also never the skinnny binny one--never. Not in highschool. I was never the big girl either. I was happy with who I was and what I was doing and didn't care to be the skinny one.
Then, I grow up, get married--and HAVE A BABY. I am going to be honest. I gained 60 pounds durning my pregnancy. If you have read my blog before, you know how hard the pregnancy was on my body. It had never been the same since. When my old boss got down to her pre baby size in just a few months I asked her her secret. She said " Nothing...I don't have time to work out."
Ok, stab number one. Backtrack again ----I have always had a pet peeve with the skinnies. When an obviously skinny girl complains about being fat ( and I am obviously not smaller than her), I say "so what does that make me. A whale?"
The response is usually " I am fat--FOR ME." Ok again...
So now I am not the skinny girl or even the average girl, I am the chubby girl. I can't explain how those words have affected me and torn me down. I think about those chubby kids in highschool that you always hear are being made fun of and have new eyes for them. Can people really destroy other people?
The worst part is that I really feel like I have tried to do so much to get back to the other me ( I didn't mention I have not lost ANY of my baby weight) and that I don't really listen to anyone. I hear mom's say " boy, I know, losing that baby weight." Then I look at them and how thin they are and it bugs me even more.
I, am no longer going to be a victim. I am not going to use my diabetes as an excuse. I will continue to try my hardest. I am so grateful to have the most amamzing husband who is so understanding and loves me for me. Thanks Babe---I would be a wreck without you right now. Life will go on........
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--I love dimples...I love everything about them! When you look at someone who has dimples, it means they are SMILING, and that really makes me happy. Steve and I have dimples on the opposite side that we are both so proud of. When we got married our bro-in-law said our child would be a "six pound dimple". We quote that all the time. Andy does have two huge dimples, but I can never seem to get it on camera...one day!
---I love the power and influence of music. Our first date was at a Jon Schmidt concert (which is another love in my life). Music has healing power, music is how you feel and express things.
---I love that my family has always enjoyed singing together. Mom would always make us carol with a loaf of bread or brownies to our neighbors. I love that my dad had us singing barbershop at a young age. I love that my husband and I were in a musical together.
--I love musicals! For as long as I can remember, I always looked in the weekend section of the newspaper to find out audition times. I love that my dad took me to musicals. I love that my 16th birthday present form my sister were 2 tickets to Les Miserables (not for a date mind you--but for her and I to go). I love that I saw Phantom of the Opera with my husband. I love that my little sister got me obsessed with Highschool musical. I love that my husband bought me the blanket for my birthday. I love performing in them, and being on stage---I love the feeling.
---I love football, but more particularly--BYU football! I love the PRIDE I feel walking into the stadium and seeing my granpa's number displayed. I love cuddling up our baby and making a day of going to the games. I love that my first game was when I was a baby. I love cheering my team on and supporting them through it all.
---I love BYU. It was the only school I applied to, the only one I even wanted to attend. I love that when I was accepted I called up my grandma and that is the first time I remember her crying. I love that I truly had the BYU experience. I love that it is where I met my husband. I love that I bleed BLUE
---I love being a mommy. There is nothing in the WORLD that compares to it! My little gal is really my pride and joy. I cry every day just looking at her. It was such an experience to get her here, and I recognize that some people never get that experience. They will be blessed---I am so glad I got to have that experience, and pray for it to happen more.
---I love that my husband knows how to follow his heart. He had a feeling to make a very important trip to Arizona, and here we are today! I love that he knows just what to say when I need to hear it. I love that he is truly my sweetheart, and my best friend.
---I love that my grandma helped pay for my piano lessons. Piano has been very theraputic for me, and a constant in my life. I love the discipline that comes with the piano...I love the way it makes me feel. I love that my sister asks me to play for her and her husband. I love that my husband will listen to me play.
---I love that both my husband and I speak Spanish. Not only the Spanish but the reason we KNOW Spanish. I love that we both served missions and that we loved them and love talking about them.
---I love the gospel of Jesus Christ. It is what makes me whole, what makes me complete. It is what makes sense...It is what brings families together.
---I love the power and influence of music. Our first date was at a Jon Schmidt concert (which is another love in my life). Music has healing power, music is how you feel and express things.
---I love that my family has always enjoyed singing together. Mom would always make us carol with a loaf of bread or brownies to our neighbors. I love that my dad had us singing barbershop at a young age. I love that my husband and I were in a musical together.
--I love musicals! For as long as I can remember, I always looked in the weekend section of the newspaper to find out audition times. I love that my dad took me to musicals. I love that my 16th birthday present form my sister were 2 tickets to Les Miserables (not for a date mind you--but for her and I to go). I love that I saw Phantom of the Opera with my husband. I love that my little sister got me obsessed with Highschool musical. I love that my husband bought me the blanket for my birthday. I love performing in them, and being on stage---I love the feeling.
---I love football, but more particularly--BYU football! I love the PRIDE I feel walking into the stadium and seeing my granpa's number displayed. I love cuddling up our baby and making a day of going to the games. I love that my first game was when I was a baby. I love cheering my team on and supporting them through it all.
---I love BYU. It was the only school I applied to, the only one I even wanted to attend. I love that when I was accepted I called up my grandma and that is the first time I remember her crying. I love that I truly had the BYU experience. I love that it is where I met my husband. I love that I bleed BLUE
---I love being a mommy. There is nothing in the WORLD that compares to it! My little gal is really my pride and joy. I cry every day just looking at her. It was such an experience to get her here, and I recognize that some people never get that experience. They will be blessed---I am so glad I got to have that experience, and pray for it to happen more.
---I love that my husband knows how to follow his heart. He had a feeling to make a very important trip to Arizona, and here we are today! I love that he knows just what to say when I need to hear it. I love that he is truly my sweetheart, and my best friend.
---I love that my grandma helped pay for my piano lessons. Piano has been very theraputic for me, and a constant in my life. I love the discipline that comes with the piano...I love the way it makes me feel. I love that my sister asks me to play for her and her husband. I love that my husband will listen to me play.
---I love that both my husband and I speak Spanish. Not only the Spanish but the reason we KNOW Spanish. I love that we both served missions and that we loved them and love talking about them.
---I love the gospel of Jesus Christ. It is what makes me whole, what makes me complete. It is what makes sense...It is what brings families together.
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12 comments:
Aww Jamie... I know the feeling. It sucks to gain weight because of being pregnant, and that baby weight does NOT want to budge! I know, I gained 80 lbs in my first pregnancy and 40 lbs my second. I lost a little in between, but not a lot. And now I'm expecting #3 so I'm guessing I'll gain a bunch of weight this time too- after really working and losing at least SOME weight before getting pregnant. *sigh*
Good attitude though- DON'T let it get you down! Our husbands love us the same no matter what size we wear. :)
Jamie,
As someone who has never been the "skinny" girl, and has posted many a "vent" like yours on her blog, I say screw them! I too, work hard...but have a body that has limits (asthma, horrible feet problems that will take 6 months combined in a boot on each foot to fix), and others (man, lose that gall bladder...might as well sign off to the "old" you permanently). I can say honestly, that at 16, trying to literally "force" myself to be something different than I was (as in, at a toilet), the answer came from the Spirit loud and clear to me: the answer I was told was "there are more important things than this..." meaning...this obsession with weight the whole world has. So, I live my life as healthily has I can....and try very hard to remember that the Lord loves me no matter what size I am....and He does not love how we treat each other based on size. I honestly have wondered and Spiritually pondered, if this obsession...this dare I say satanic obsession....has been created to be a permanent temptation to both men and women during these, the latter days. Not only to get us to treat each other so inhumanely--but to distract us permanently from those things the Lord would really like us to focus on and do. So, I'm with your husband...you're beautiful no matter what size you are!!!
Oh yea--disillusioned is Mary P.
I will say ditto to the great advice from Mary!
Jamie, I have always loved you and you are one of the most beautiful people inside and out. Don't let a pipsqueak tear you down. That sounds mean, sorry, but when she gets older, she'll learn more about life and how her comments can hurt other people.
I have baby weight that I lost, but regained, and I accept that. I want to feel healthy, so I eat healthy. The outcome is what it is.
Something that my mother in law and brother in law are doing is cutting carbs and all sugar (and doing gentle exercise like walking or riding a stationary bike). She lost 13 pounds in a month, and he has lost 6. Costco has some great inexpensive pre-cooked chicken by Tyson, throw some veggies on the side, and it's a VERY filling meal. Being diebetic can be difficult, but don't give up. If you set a goal, it can happen. We all love you and support you no matter what size. Keep a smile on your face, it's makes people wonder what you're thinking ;)
Hey Jamie, I can relate. I was always the skinny girl until I started having babies. I have been able to lose the baby weight each time but I have to really work at it. Some bodies are really resistant to losing weight. After my last baby I have struggled even more. I don't want to do all that work, but I want to be skinny. It burns me up that others can get into their skinny jeans without doing anything. But one thing I am trying to accept is that life isn't fair. My trials will not be their trials. Who knows what struggles they have to deal with. I have also learned that it doesn't matter if you're skinny if you don't feel good about yourself. I have to love myself this size and I'll continue to love myself as I lose this blasted extra weight!!! Love ya!
Hey Jamie, everyone has different trials. Someone who seems to have the perfect life usually has the opposite. We all have crap we deal with, some is on the outside and some on the inside. Living in my ward of cosmetic surgery I have seen too many times that happiness comes from the inside not the outside. You are beautiful and a great example to me!
THanks to everyone for all your comments. YOu have no idea what they have done for me. I think alot of the key is loving me first and trusting that my husband loves me no matter what. It is nice to hear others words of wisdom. Sometimes you just need a good kick in the pants.
So, yeah, I haven't been blogging this week. Then I come back to see my cute friend Jamie (who I haven't seen in like 12 years) is down in the dumps. It looks like you have gotten a lot of great advice on here, so I won't be too long. I just wanted to say that as long as you are happy, and healthy, that is all that matters. I am the heaviest I have ever been, after having 4 beautiful children. But, I am also the happiest I have ever been. I am finally to the point that I don't really care what other people think of me. I know that I am doing my best at being healthy, and I am happier because of it. (Now, MY best doesn't include not drinking my coke a day, not going to fast food restraunts, and excercising every day. It includes spending time with my kids because I will never get it back, still going to Chick-Fil-A, but trying to get the grilled chicken instead of the nuggets, and being happy with myself.) Don't let people get to you. You just be the best You you can be! (Okay, I was a little long! ;)
I love what you said at the beginning, that you have always had a good self image despite not being one of the "skinny girls". I have never been one of the skinny girls and I cannot say I've always had a good self image so don't let something one person says ruin that for you! You are awesome and I totally look up to you!
It's so great having a supportive husband, isn't it? (Of course, the fact that mine is Mr. Skinny Minny himself is sometimes embarrassing) If I felt any pressure from mine, I don't know how I would handle it!
I can't even say my weight is baby-related. I just have some "syndrome" that some Doctors say is the reason for my weight problems, and some say I got because of my weight. I'm finally getting to the point where I'm trying a little harder, for health reasons. I don't expect to lose a bunch of weight, but hopefully I'll feel healthier.
Maybe I'm warped, but I don't mind being the "chubby" one! I don't like being the "fat" one, but chubby has kind of an endearing quality to it!
I LOVEYOU!
I have been out of town for 9 days and am finally catching up on everyone's blogs. I want to thank you for sharing your feelings about this. I, like you, have always had a really good self image and felt pretty good about myself. Even at my biggest, I always felt pretty, but when I started to see photos of myself after this last baby, I too started to feel a little down. I weigh more than I ever have and it is hard to not be where I want to be!! However, I agree with Carly - I am really happy despite my weight. I have great friends, beautiful children, and a wonderful husband who loves me no matter what size I am (in fact, he likes the curves - lol) I know that it would be so great to be the skinny me, but if it does not happen, I am not going to let the adversary get me down! There are more important things in life than being the perfect weight.
You are so awesome Jamie!!! Don't EVER forget that!!
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